The Lists are Coming...

THE end of every calendar year signals the coming of the yearly lists that count down everything. These lists are usually unscientific, unecessary, and make no sense whatsoever…which should completely deter me from talking about them…but it won’t.

The New York Times released a list of new words used in 2007, along with their definitions. What they did not list however, was how to use these new words. Here are some favorites pulled from the list….I’ve added sample sentences to assist you on how to use them:

“Astronaut diaper n.
A garment worn by astronauts when they’re in pressure suits and can’t get to a toilet…The term was brought to popular attention when the astronaut Lisa M. Nowak was said to have been wearing one in February while she was driving across five states to confront a love rival. She denied she wore the diaper.”
How to use this in a sentence: “Man, I hope K-Mart is having another super sale on astronaut diapers…I’m planning to drive from Colorado to California and I really don’t want to have to stop for a bathroom break.”

“E-mail bankruptcy n.
What you’re declaring when you choose to delete or ignore a very large number of e-mail messages after falling behind in reading and responding to them. This often includes sending a boilerplate message explaining that old messages will never receive a personal, specific response.”
How to use this in a sentence:
Man to friend: “Claire and I had to file for bankruptcy…my company tanked …we have no savings...no food for our kids...nothing…” holds head in his hands.
Friend: “Yikes, I’m sorry Matt. If it makes you feel any better I know exactly what you are going through. I had to declare e-mail bankruptcy last week…even though I am still rich as sin I can never use my G-mail account again…I feel so hollow…and empty."

“Gorno n.
A genre of movies that are gory almost to the point of being fetishistic. A blend of “gore” and “porno.””
How to use this in a sentence:
Girlfriend to boyfriend: “I’m sick of it! First you were addicted to pornos which we worked through, but now gornos as well?? You need professional help sicko; I’m done with you!”

“Maternal profiling n.
Employment discrimination against a woman who has, or will have, children. The term has been popularized by members of MomsRising, an advocacy group promoting the rights of mothers in the workplace.”
Friend #1 to friend #2: “I’m suing…that company maternally profiled me.”
Friend #2: Dude, how is that even possible? You are a 17-year-old male.

"Make it rain v. phr.
To drop paper money on a crowd of people, especially in strip clubs, nightclubs or casinos."
How to use in a sentence:“Michael Jackson is coming to the club tonight…don’t get excited though…I hear he is broke again…he can only make it rain with Monopoly money.”


Photo Credits go to: my little scraps

Deep Thoughts

Quote of the day by Jack Handey

“If a kid asks where rain comes from, I think a cute thing to tell him is “God is crying.”
And if he asks why God is crying, another cute thing to tell him is “Probably because of something you did.”


Photo Credits go to: Design Sponge.

The Candid Truth About Cheery Christmas Correspondence

EVERY year they turn up in your mail box around Christmas time—those Christmas letter updates from friends and family.
They are always giddy with hope, joy, tidings of consumerism, and rose colored optimism.
They usually go something like this:

Season’s Greetings!

It’s the Johnson family! We just moved into our new 5,000-square-foot Brownstone on the Upper East Side. I just got a promotion at my job; I’m a Vice President now! Anne is having a glorious time staying at home and taking care of our wickedly delightful kids. You must all remember little Jonathan? Well, he is a strapping young man now, robust with life! He is very excited to be home for the holidays from college in Utah. Rosy-faced Katie is doing well too…she has a lot of handsome high school suitors and she is graduating very soon; we’re all very proud!

We hope this letter finds you well! Here’s to good health, good times, and being a filthy rich, beautiful family living in the Upper East Side.

Xoxo,
The Johnsons

But, hey…it’s 2007, so what this type of letter really means is:

Season’s Greetings!

It’s the Johnson family. We just moved into our new 2,000-square-foot Brownstone and the rent is slowly but surely bleeding us out of every penny we don’t have, but need in order to make families like yours feel inadequate about their own lives. I just got a promotion at my job because I fought, lied, and cheated my way to the top; I’m a VP now! Anne is having a nervous breakdown and resents she has to be a stay-at-home mother and trophy wife…she spends her nights crying and her days getting botox to hide the bags from the crying—vicious cycle isn't it? Little Jonathan is a little high right now, he just got back from rehab in Utah and we don’t think it helped since his dealer is currently leaning over my shoulder and pointing out my spelling errors in this letter.
Katie is doing well too, she has a bun in the oven and will be graduating from full-time student to full-time unwed mother. We are all very proud we managed to conceal this for 8 months.

We hope this letter finds you shell-shocked and surprised. Here’s to crappy health, illegitimate babies, and being a filthy rich, disillusioned, shallow family choking on our own overindulgence in the Upper East Side!

Write back (only if your life sucks more than ours),
The Johnsons

Photo credits: “East Side Rudolph”
Location: NY, NY.

WALMART: How Low Can You Go?

http://www.foxnews.com/story/0,2933,316580,00.html

Overheard in D.C.? Not Happening

THERE is a humor blog called Overheard in New York that records funny fragments of eavesdropped conversations heard around New York City on a daily basis. Sometimes the conversations are unintentionally witty or deliberately hilarious and other times, sadly they are crass and offensive. Simply put: it’s a crap shoot. Here is a snippet of today’s post:

Panhandler: Good morning, ladies and gentlemen. I'm homeless, and I'm hungry. If anyone can help me out with food, something to drink, a spare iPod, a Macy's gift card, or anything else that rhymes with that, I'd appreciate it. I know you're human. We have to help each other out. If you were slaves, I'd free all of you. Even the white people.
--Manhattan-bound A train
Overheard by: Courtenay

Little boy shaking his hips: Tryin' make me go to rehab, I said no, no, no!
[Later, to woman behind register] Do you have Rugrats Gone Wild?
--Blockbuster, 10th & Wanamaker Pl
Overheard by: Lily and Rebecaa

The overheardinnewyork humor site has been knocked off in many different cities like London, Philadelphia, Pittsburg, Paris and Berkeley.
Since politics has sucked out the laughter from D.C. like an industrial sized vacuum, a blog like this would probably wilt and die in a humor arid place like the District. A D.C. “overheard” humor blog would probably go something like this:

Random undercover agent: So, the CIA still has the President of Uzbekistan; they’re torturing him in an undisclosed location. I suspect he might be innocent though.
Other random undercover agent: Really? The American public would flip if they found out. Ugh, I HATE IT when I lose the crease in my pants! Life is so unfair!
---on the orange line to New Carrolton
Overheard by terrified citizen.

See. Washington, D.C.= Not funny.

Picture Credits: http://blog.iso50.com/wp-content/uploads/2007/10/1972ny_subway_map.jpg

The ABC's of NYC

Friend: So you’re going to NYC this weekend? Do you know your way around?
Me: Yep! Nope, not at all.
Friend: You have heard of Alphabet City right?
Me: No…
Friend: New York City is a grid; number streets versus avenues. When you start getting to streets named after alphabets everything gets sketchy…you don’t want to venture into that territory.
Me: Weird. In D.C. everything fun happens on streets named after alphabets.
Friend: Yea, do NOT go to alphabet city.
Me: So if I’m with a friend and she says: “Look there’s a cool clown juggling on B street; let’s check it out!!!” I shouldn’t go?
Friend: No don’t, because upon closer inspection that clown is probably juggling packets of crack.

Photo credits: blackbookstencils.com

NO ONE Messes With Bill Nye’s Vegetable Garden!

Bill Nye has asked for a restraining order against his ex-fiancée on the grounds that she allegedly tried to poison him and destroy his plants.

According to court documents: On Sept. 3 at 11:30 p.m., Tindal (Bill Nye’s ex-fiancée), who was in all black, "emerged from my backyard ... carrying two plastic bottles filled with some sort of solvent. Apparently she was trying to poison my plants including some vegetable(s)…she fled on foot and then a car sped away from the scene."

How could she do that to him?! If you are in a lovers quarrel with Bill Nye it’s perfectly acceptable to TIVO “CSI” over his “Bill Nye Science Guy” reruns, smash some of his sulphuric acid test tubes, bash science in general, and maybe melt his lab goggles…but to put toxins in his vegetable garden?! Why…the SHEER NERVE of some people!

Test tube photo credits go to: Jupiter Images

Cheap Date with a Cheap Skate?

THIS guy is a New York mover and shaker but he can't get a date.
As a result he is willing to offer up $25 to anyone who can get him a date via Facebook.
By golly, a WHOLE $25? Now you can buy yourself one sleeve of that J.Crew sweater you wanted for Christmas!

Public responses to his Facebook dating plea:

“How hard is it to get a date in NYC? Don’t the women outnumber the men 2:1?
It sounds like a job for his mom--Jeremy NYC

“That wouldn't be a "crisp $50.00 bill," now would it?”
-Lawyerguy

“Will he pay for my bus ticket too?”
-Itsjustcatnip

“He wants to spend time with an amazing woman, but he didn't say he wouldn't settle for a guy. It's $25, people; tell your gay friends
too!” Sample032

“So what he's really looking for is a pimp?”
-Cocoesq

This story has modern day cheapskate/Facebook geek romance written all over it, but the real question here is:
If you set him up with yourself, do you STILL get the $25? Or will he count it towards the overall cost of food? With cheapskates you can never tell. And if your date with him goes well and you get a second date, do you STILL get that $25 too?
Food for thought.

What’s in YOUR Walle—Fridge?

THE inside of my fridge NEVER looks like that.

Fridgewatcher.com is a website that showcases candid pictures of people’s refrigerators.
Sometimes the interiors of the refrigerators are beautiful, mouthwatering, enticing, alluring even…other times they are gritty, alarming, and horrifying. I’ve had to look away many a time for fear that I would upchuck in my own mouth after glancing at some fridges.

The fridge above is located in Italy—who’s not surprised?

Seriously though, some people will eat anything as long as they can shove a stick in it, slather it with thick lard, and fry it up like it's an FDA-unapproved sausage.



Judging by the contents of this fridge these people are a) not vegans b) STILL on the Atkin’s diet. Don’t they know the Atkins diet was “…like SO 2 seasons ago?” The eating air diet is the new thing.

Photocredits go to: www.fridgewatcher.com