Intervention

Whenever you come across a well-written book series with a storyline that involves magic (e.g. The Lord of the Rings trilogy, The Narnia books), you can generally find a multitudinous reader following. These readers can be classified into two groups: the fans and the fanatics. The fan is normal…any great book will produce this…the fanatic is when things start to get a bit bizarre. With the release of the final Harry Potter book, the Harry hysteria has been more unsettling than usual. In the midst of this frenzy, a lot of fans have unknowingly crossed the line into fanatic territory. They say the first step to curing a problem is identifying that you have one; here are some of the symptoms of a Harry Potter fanatic:

1. Non-stop HP reading. This includes, but is not limited to, taking “sick” days off work to revel in Harry Potter fantasies, carrying a wand in your back pocket, and backing out of really cool social engagements to read Harry Potter.
Example:
Friend of fanatic: “Hey Kelly, it’s time for us to go to the U2 concert and meet Bono backstage afterwards. He’s going to be handing out 100 dollar bills to all his fans.”

Fanatic: “No, thank you…I need to get to the end of this chapter; I feel it might hold the key that unlocks the mystery of Snape’s real allegiance.”
2. Attending midnight Harry Potter book releases (especially when there isn’t a chance of getting the book signed because the author isn’t scheduled to be there).
3. Attending midnight releases dressed up (particularly if you are legally old enough to operate a motor vehicle).
4. Going to Toys-R-Us to Purchase Harry Potter action figures (again, particularly if you are legally old enough to drive)
5. This is the worst: Unconsciously littering normal conversation with Harry Potter “speak”.
Friend of fanatic: “Oh no, did we miss the bus?”
Fanatic: “Yes we did miss the bus; if only we weren’t muggles…we could just fly to work!”

If each of these points sound familiar to your way of life, your friends and family are probably staging a Harry Potter intervention for you right now. Or since this is the final book they might feel there is an end in sight and are trying to ride out your eerie fanaticism.

Photo Credits go to www.Swivel.com

Betchya She Can Match Her Lipstick To Her Stilettos Though

Three common stereotypes:
1. Americans are culturally self-centered and have no sense of global awareness
2. Beauty pageant girls are airheads
3. Blondes are dumb

Here was Miss. Teen South Carolina’s big chance to simultaneously debunk all these stereotypes since she is a) American, b) a beauty pageant girl, and c) blonde.

It was her chance to shine. Let’s see how she did: Enjoy!

A Change in Policy

Two years ago I was told that Kobe beef is the result of Japanese farmers massaging their calves (baby cows…not their legs) on a regular basis and then intravenously feeding them beer while the calves are suspended upside down in the air. Thanks to a five minute NPR Kobe beef segment, I recently discovered this claim is not true, well…except for the beer part, that’s true…and the whole massage part…that’s true as well—basically these cows live every college frat boy’s American dream.

Anyway, the day I received that unsubstantiated information regarding Kobe beef I immediately swore on the grave of kitten A—an unnamed family pet my mother accidentally ran over when I was in 5th grade—that I would never eat any baby animal; this policy was implemented for fawns, calves, and lambs in particular. While I haven’t watched Bambi (gasp) and I’m not a card carrying member of PETA, there seems to be something so carnivorous and merciless about eating a baby animal.

Fast forward two years: Last weekend I found myself in Ruth’s Chris Steak House (nope—not linking to a national restaurant chain). As I perused the menu of steak, sea bass, and stuffed chicken, I kept coming back to one particular entrée: the sweet peppers and veal cutlet. To cut a long story short, in a moment of weakness, shame, curiosity, and mountain man-like hunger I abandoned my no-baby-animal-consumption policy and ordered the veal cutlet.

Instead of looking like a slain calf on a plate as one would expect, it looked fabulous. Then I took a bite—it tasted like gaminess, the innocence of youth, and the guilt of unnecessary bloodshed. Kidding—a PETA fanatic stole my keyboard for a second there—it was actually tender, juicy, perfectly crusted on the top, and each bite burst with the strong flavor of garlic and assorted herbs (The only thing that could have made the dish better was if it came with a free leather jacket made from that particular calf). And just like that, I reviewed my no-baby-animal-consumption policy and found it wanting. It was immediately done away with and replaced by a new policy: no consumption of baby animals with the exception of calves and lambs because they are simply delicious.

It’s rather lamentable that one succulent piece of veal can skewer a person’s entire animal rights moral compass, but if you don’t update policies you get stuck in bureaucratic sludge and nothing gets accomplished…just ask the government.


Photo Credits go to Heidi Swanson
Check her out at: http://www.101cookbooks.com/archives/001403.html

Tweakers!

“Tweaking” is a fabulous term that was hijacked from a brilliant friend of mine. When she reads this she’ll probably cuttingly remark that I am leaking covert “it” slang to the world, thereby rendering it un-cool, but we both know she’ll secretly be pleased that a term she helped push is being disseminated to the free world.

Simply put, tweaking is to anxiously and unnecessarily freak out about something. Sometimes it has physical side effects such as flailing, shallow breathing, darting eyes, and yelling “woe is me” repeatedly, other times it does not. There are many different levels and kinds of tweakers; I happen to be a first-rate office tweaker.

An office tweaker is a person that consciously attempts to completely detach their personal life from their office life, so when in the office they come across as a soulless corporate zombie and if a dollop of their colorful, personal life bleeds into their office life they completely freak out (or “tweak” if you will).

Once, my mannequin-like corporate life was compromised when a colleague catapulted details of my private life to my co-workers (he probably said something terribly revealing about me like: Oh, you went shoe shopping last night?). As a result I spent 5 minutes sitting cross-legged under file cabinets in our Art Directors office, seriously tweaking—that was not a good day (especially since when you tweak people observe you with an air of general wonderment and mild disgust).

The problem with being an office tweaker is when colleagues catch on to this they torment you. They’ll shout things like: "WOW, SOMEONE’S 10 MINUTES LATE THIS MORNING, MAYBE YOUR BOSS WON’T FIND OUT!” as you are tactfully trying to slip in.

One of a tweaker’s worst nightmares is a personal phone call at work, but they are an unavoidable duty of life. A personal system has been developed to deal with them; it goes something like this

Me: Hi, ------Magazine!
Friend: Hi, it’s Stace
Me: Hello…Ms. …Smith, how can I help you today?
Friend: Should I wear grey or blue to my interview today?
Me: Uh…our July issue has a grey cover, not a blue one.
Friend: Thanks! By the way: Jo and Evan are getting married”
Me: NO WAY—I mean no way… would I let you pay…we will send you a complimentary issue.
Friend: Crazy huh? Have a great day!

And that, is the life of an office tweaker—oh the crosses we must bear. Sigh.

Photo Credits go to Jupiter Images.

http://images.jupiterimages.com/common/detail/43/50/22185043.jpg

AAAHH...REFRESHING

Sometimes utilizing your refresh button (on your web browser tool bar) can be the difference between appearing dim-witted or appearing well-informed at an office meeting.
Let me explain.

One of the advantages or disadvantages—depends on your view—of working in D.C. is the importance ‘news currency’ plays in professional as well as social circles. The formula is simple: the more encyclopedic you are about breaking news, the further you are likely to go in this city.
(I assume it’s probably the same in LA, except you substitute the phrase ‘news currency’ with ‘entertainment news,’ it’s also probably the same in Boise as well, in the case of Boise you would substitute ‘news currency’ with ‘potatoes.’)

Working in print media also poses this challenge as well; no matter how mainstream or off-the-beaten-path your publication is, the ability to be freakishly up-to-date on current events is essential. E.g. If E! Online reports that Lindsay Lohan is lactose intolerant and has begun substituting vodka for milk in her breakfast cereal, it will be imperative that you know this for your magazine budget meeting (even if you work for Pig Farmer’s Weekly).

Back to the point:
So working for a media company, located in a political city makes the breaking-news obsession even more imperative than ever. Now that breaking news constantly floods the web (because the Internet is one of our primary news sources), it’s difficult to stay on top of the news. The only way you can stay in the game is by constantly hitting the refresh button on the plethora of news webpages that are minimized on your computer.

A typical conversation in our office:
“Did you hear about Carlson Lent?”
“Yea, he’s Slovakia's new president, crazy huh? Saw it on the Post’s website five minutes ago”
“Ha, well obviously someone didn’t hit their refresh button. As of one minute ago there was a civil war and Lent was dethroned by a rebel group; their new president is a retired rodeo clown with purple chest hair (some say he was born with it—eerie huh?).”

See, you just can’t win…unless you refresh like a maniac…
Refresh
Refresh
Refresh

CHANGES

"Change is inevitable - except from a vending machine."
[Robert C. Gallagher]

In light of the great Mr. Gallagher’s inspiring words (who is he anyway?) I’ll be changing the format of this blog a little bit starting 08.24!
Things you can expect:
-SHORTER posts
-More pictures
-100 percent humor
- A wee bit of politics mocking (I work in D.C. the politicking stuff just soaks into your pores the second you step in the city whether you like it or not)
-Consistent blogging
-The occasional self righteous rant about jail-bound pregnant heiresses

-SB!